Congratulations to Breesus and the Saints! After this game, I’m going to grab a bag of Doritos before heading out to Denny’s in my Hyundai. Seriously, it felt like those were the only advertisers in this game (besides the requisite beer guys and the GoDaddy girls). Here are some very brief thoughts on the other commercials…
My Favorites:
Although this would have been better if Conan had made a cameo…
I’m really starting to like these creepy talking babies.
I totally support casual Fridays!… This is exactly what I was talking about in my post about why people don’t need to wear clothes.
This was banned from the Super Bowl, but I’m including it in place of the Tebow ad. (Which, by the way, had the same aesthetic as an eHarmony commercial… Creepy.)
Worst Commercial:
Really? I’m embarrassed for you, Joe Montana. This ad looked like it was produced by student editors from Tiger Beat.
Most Awkward:
It’s bad when your pigs eating bacon commercial is funnier than this one.
The concept was good, but this just proves that Charles Barkley can’t enunciate. Mumble, mumble, Taco Bell.
Most Offensive to Females (Not Including GoDaddy Commercials)
I found it moderately entertaining, but of course, the NY Times has already suggested that it’s somewhat misogynistic. Either way, I would like to point out to my single, male readers: I do not watch vampire TV shows. Thus, you do not have to buy this ugly car. Thank you.
In 1992, Lamb Chop’s Play-Along premiered on PBS. Despite the show’s cruelty towards naming its protagonist (it’s as if Babe was named “Bacon”), the lovable Lamb Chop soon became an iconic figure: the heir apparent to Mr. Rogers, the predecessor to Barney. Lamb Chop taught us all about sharing, caring, and singing never-ending songs during long car rides. Besides being a talented songstress, our favorite sock puppet also served as a moral compass for her young, impressionable, audience.
In Carly Fiorina’s Fucked Up Campaign Ad Play-Along, she depicts an idyllic scene where we follow a pack of sheep that metaphorically represent fiscal conservatives (note to Carly: next time, try NOT to align yourself with a group of pea-brained mammals that get skinned every winter). But alas! In this budget-conscious pack of future sweaters, there is a wolf in sheep’s clothing: Fiorina’s Republican adversary in the upcoming primary, Tom Campbell. According to Carly, Campbell is trying to pass as a fiscal conservative… though, in reality, he’s a tax-happy, red-eyed, demon sheep.
Thankfully, Fiorina has come up with an acronym for this disguised devil: FCINO, or “Fiscal Conservative in Name Only.” In the ad, you can watch as the Tom Campbell demon sheep brings an apocalyptic end to California. And, in a call-out to Unsolved Mysteries, you can even “Report a Sighting” of a FCINO on Fiorina’s website. “This is Officer Fiorina, chasing the perp down the street… Suspect is wearing tweed jacket and khaki pants, but I spotted him carrying ‘The Audacity of Hope’ with no intention of burning it. FCINO alert!”
To me, wearing clothes is like putting ornaments on a tree. It’s pretty much unnecessary, except that some people think the tree looks better if it’s draped in glitter. But, it’s not as if we need clothing in order to live. Animals don’t wear clothes, and they do just fine. If you watch Animal Planet, you’ll see that all the animals are perfectly comfortable in their own skin. And if grizzly bears can survive in the winter without a bubble vest, I’m sure that hairy, obese people could survive too. Maybe the rest of us would die, but hey, it’s called evolution. 
If I had to find legitimate reasons for wearing clothes, there are only three scenarios where it makes sense to me: 1) Protection. 2) Camouflage. 3) Pockets. Protection is only necessary to cover all the open orifices of our body that are susceptible to disease — I’m definitely not sitting commando on the NYC subway. (This is probably why Native Americans used to wear the flaps.) Camouflage is pretty self-explanatory too, since our stalker nation would be deterred if we were easily detected when hiding out in trees. And lastly, pockets are useful for carrying cell phones, keys, and concealed weapons – though, at the same time, fanny packs could be a suitable alternative.
I can sympathize with those who argue that clothing is a way for us to showcase our individuality. Indeed, clothes allow businessmen to show off how much money they have, and it can serve as an outlet for teenagers to rebel by wearing black leather and chains. Unfortunately, it’s also a means of social stratification. Back in elementary school, all the cool kids owned a Starter jacket with light-up sneakers, No Fear t-shirts, and Adidas tear-aways. But if you couldn’t afford these brands, it immediately signaled that you lived in a trailer and had a head full of lice. Clothes make kids cruel.
Connecticut Shore: Clad in blazers, cashmere, and khakis bearing small crustacean logos, our pasty-white cast members will showcase the best of Connecticut living. With this group, they don’t do hair gel; they do hair pomade… sprinkled with saffron and Bulova gold flakes. Follow the drama surrounding Bernard’s trust fund tussle, Priscilla’s equestrian meet, and Theodore VII’s late-night car crash while drunk off white wine spritzers. On the Connecticut Shore, controversy will ensue after Gabriel is found buying a sale item at Vineyard Vines. Lawsuits will fly after Madison steals a string of pearls for her charity auction, Helping Hedge Fund Survivors. And love will find a way, as outcast Zoe will fall for a grunge, homeless, starving artist from Brooklyn in a shocking act of Connecticut rebellion.
Cleveland Shore: Follow the travails of all-American Clevelandites as they try to find things to do other than drink beer every night in their moms’ basements. Witness the tension between Joe and Mary during their eighteenth trip to the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. Guess if Mikey will ever be successful in his nightly attempts to find LeBron’s house. And see if sweet Carol Anne can actually summon Jesus Christ into her bedroom by using a Ouija board. Plaid shirts, overalls, and yellow gingham dresses have never been so hip. With our hot, denim-clad characters and the scandalous backdrop of Cleveland, you can hum hymns while humping hims (but only if you’re a “her”… it’s still a red state at heart). And despite the fact that their “shore” is only on a lake, at least it’s a great lake.
Monterey Shore: The wine is out, the clothes are off, and the hazy Monterey Shore promises to be a laid-back lovefest of crunchy activists. Follow Marcel and Kyaaledi (pronounced “Joan”) as they protest the deforestation of the Komodor dog. Find out if Meadow can sell her rhubarb milk shakes at the beach while competing with the capitalist lemonade stand. Try not to salivate from the mouth as you watch Isaac play the ukelele naked, just ’cause he feels like it. With a beautiful Californian cast that includes four women, four men, and an adopted baby seal named Scooter (lone survivor of the club-a-seal booth at the beach fair), the Monterey Shore will get you thinking about more than just fair trade bananas and organic tea parties. You know, it’s about life, man… and bangin’.
Texas Shore: If you want drama, turn off TNT and change your channel to Texas Shore. In Texas’ own version of the Bloods and Crips, we have our red-blooded God enthusiasts facing off against the cryptic indie film lovers of Austin. Throw in a side of Mexicans, and you have a hit show. Texas Shore is full of brawn, religion, papis, and, of course, guns. Follow George as he drives along the Texas coastline in his pickup, chanting “America! America!”, with a rifle out the passenger seat. Watch as Nina (single, bespectacled, bra-less) stumps for outdated causes, like women’s rights and freedom for Native Americans. Will George and Nina ever find true love together? Will jean cut-offs meet saggy polyester in an immediate union of love and retired fashions? And what will happen when the U.S. tries to deport Ricardo in the middle of his American Idol audition? Stay tuned…
To me, having a child is like getting a gift in January, and then being told that you have to wait until September to open it. Not only do you have to wait an unbearably long time (I want to open it NOW!), but you have to endure something that you’ve tried to avoid your entire womanly life: you get fat. You get cankles. And you get stretch marks so bad that you could practice calligraphy on the lines along your waist.
Last August, I decided that I would go in for a check-up. I had just recently moved to New York, so I found a doctor through my health insurance company. The guy seemed legitimate enough: undergrad at University of Pennsylvania, med school at Michigan.
The Jay-Conan-Jeff Zucker love triangle has become such a big story that Maureen Dowd 
“Pandas have been ridiculed for their decidedly non-bearlike vegetarian diets, their apparent lack of interest in — and aptitude for — sex, their tendency to spend the majority of their time sitting, eating, scratching, and defecating (about 40 times per day) — even for being, shall we say, plump.” – 
The (Silent) Scream: If you ever thought that your face looked fat in a photo, try the silent scream. By stretching your lower jaw and neck muscles, while not actually emitting any sound, you can minimally improve the girth of your face. It’s also guaranteed to make your co-workers think twice about invading your personal space.
Office Chair Rowing: Think about your office chair as a poor man’s Bowflex. Start with some sets of butt clenches at your desk. Then try some air rowing to gain momentum. It’s always impressive when you can make your chair move without pedaling, and it’ll tighten up that derriere as well.
Lunges Combined with Stapler Curls: Make every trip to the bathroom exciting; not only would lunges help build those quad muscles for tree-climbing, but working up those biceps with staplers is a great way to keep in shape. And once you get a handle on staplers, you can move on to the three-hole punch, coffee pots, and perhaps even reams of legal-sized paper.
I’ve never stopped to realize just how ridiculous some of our motivational sayings are. Take, for instance, “Make a Difference!” It can sound really upbeat and positive (make a difference, change a life!), but you can also take it the wrong way. If I shot my friend Tony in the leg, I’d be making a difference and changing his life… But I doubt that one-legged Tony would thank me for my contribution. In fact, he’d probably want to make a difference in my life, and shoot me back. (I am pretty confident that this is how wars are started.)
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