FRESH is BACK

Over Thanksgiving break, I made the unfortunate decision to have lunch at a local “Polynesian-Chinese” restaurant. Tiki Palace was dead empty when my grandmother and I arrived at noon. The waiter with the leather jacket and lazy eye further confirmed my growing suspicion that the place was a front for the Polynesian-Chinese mob. While waiting for the food and trying to catch a glimpse of illegal opium dealings, I found myself perusing the Chinese zodiac placemats. I’d forgotten how wonderfully descriptive these zodiac signs were. Born in the year of the Ox, I read that I am supposedly easy-going, fierce, demanding, and good with my hands… I would be a good hairdresser, the zodiac proselytized.

It seems like you can always convince yourself of some truth if you think about it long enough. After reading about my Ox-ness, I started reconsidering careers in which I could put my good hands to use, like becoming a concert pianist or a cardiac surgeon. It also got me thinking: if such attributes can be gleaned from something as arbitrary as year of birth, how else can we be convinced of our easy-going fierceness? So, given that this blog is inspired by exposing arbitrariness, overgeneralizations and frivolous categorizations, I have decided to create a zodiac of my own. Based on a complex mathematical algorithm, basic principles in quantum physics, and an undying belief in Santa, this revised zodiac is a marked improvement upon the old, vague, anything-goes version. My only hope is that Tiki Palace will one day carry my zodiac… and take their orange chicken off the menu.

THE NEW, IMPROVED, POLYNESIAN-CHINESE-WESTERNIZED ZODIAC

Add up the two digits in your DAY of birth (for example, if your birthday is on the 4th, you would add 0+4 = 4). Then take the sum, and match it to the reindeer below.

1 // RUDOLPH – 2 // DASHER – 3 // DANCER – 4 // PRANCER – 5 // VIXEN – 6 // COMET – 7 // CUPID – 8 // DONNER – 9+ // BLITZEN

(1) RUDOLPH: You are a tireless optimist, filled with fuzzy positivity. You are perennially cheerful, chipper, and trusting. You’re generous with your smile and your exclamation marks. You often sing karaoke, bake cookies and use “heart” as a verb. You don’t notice that sometimes, other people want to bludgeon your sugary goodness with a baseball bat. You get along best with Dancer and Cupid. You should avoid Dasher. You will likely become a customer service representative for a company that sells rainbows and hugs.

(2) DASHER: You rush through life, never noticing a thing. You are perennially busy, edgy, and on the phone. You enjoy Starbucks lattes, walking fast, and eating hot dogs from street vendors. You probably own two phones, a bluetooth headset, and a profanity-heavy vocabulary. You get along best with Vixen and Blitzen. You should avoid children and the elderly. You will likely find yourself sobbing in the bathroom as your fortunes slip away with the withering stock market.

(3) DANCER: You love drama. You swing from extreme highs to extreme lows, from radiant jubilation to a depressing, old Sarah McLachlan song. You are overemotional, sensitive, and sometimes scary to be around. When you’re angry, you like to start fights and challenge strangers to dance-offs. When you’re sad, you like to buy a gallon of ice cream and watch The Hills in sweatpants. You get along best with Prancer. You should avoid hard drugs and The Notebook. You will likely become a high school chemistry teacher/soccer coach.

(4) PRANCER: See ‘DANCER’. Sadly Santa was not creative enough to come up with unique reindeer names.

(5) VIXEN: You’re devious, sneaky, and utterly intriguing. You’re a Bond girl before we find out whether or not she is evil. You are mysterious and potentially harmful to others. You enjoy drinking martinis and attending masquerade balls. You get along with nobody. You should avoid everybody. You will likely get arrested, escape, and move to Fiji at some point in the future.

(6) COMET: You revel in your anonymity, coming and going as you please. You are partial to the emo-style nomads, the quiet heroes, and the courageous loners. You want to be in the choir, in the background, disrupting the world as little as possible. You get along best with yourself. You should avoid Dasher and Dancer. You will likely find yourself going down one of two paths: either becoming a) Nobel-winning genius, or b) the Unabomber.

(7) CUPID: For you, the world is full of love. You love love. You love people. You think that all the world’s ills can be solved by love and diamond rings. When others complain, you immediately think that it’s because they’re not getting enough love. You prescribe Match.com, a stiff drink, and Viagara. You get along best with Rudolph. You should avoid single people. You will likely find yourself as on a TLC reality show, or as the subject of a Lifetime original movie.

(8.) DONNER: Unfortunately, you are dull, boring, and uninteresting. Because “Donner” does not translate into anything literal, you are stuck as the default outcast, the uncool kid on the block. You spend your days doing mundane things, like knitting, making finger puppets, and watching HGTV. You iron your shirts and you have great table manners. The only excitement in your day comes from guessing correctly on House Hunters. You get along best with your friends on Second Life, but you should avoid all normal people. You will likely find yourself in a charming 2BR/2BA brownstone with a leaky roof and cats.

(9+) BLITZEN: You are fifteen minutes ago. You’re brash, outrageous, and completely behind the times. You think you’re a godsend, but everyone does the eye-roll once you leave a conversation. You enjoy debating hot-button issues that you’ve read about in magazines, and you often end up disagreeing with those idiot “experts”. You’re obviously the preeminent authority on all topics ranging from GQ to Us Weekly, so we should listen up. You get along best with anyone willing to listen. You should avoid people who are smarter than you (if they exist). You will likely end up at an Alaska rally for Sarah Palin in 2012.

So, do you believe in the truths held by this zodiac? According to this, I’m a Donner (born on the 26th, 2+6). Ho hum + HGTV + cats? Sounds about right.