1. GET AN OBSCURE HOBBY: Do you ever feel that you’ve become a boring, mundane person? Do you get riled up about bad grammar? Do you get excited about the potential of alien takeovers? If any of these apply to you, then maybe you should think about getting an obscure hobby. An obscure hobby is like adding a suffix to your name, without the actual hassle. Explanation: Anyone named John Smith the VII is interesting, because he automatically has a story to tell (naturally, what happened to Johns I to VI). Similarly, anyone who plays the oboe is interesting, because he has to explain what an oboe is. Suffixes and obscure hobbies can help both when you’re interviewing for a job, and when you’re picking up men/women at the bar. The following are some obscure hobbies to make you seem far more unique than you really are: practicing the ukulele, designing ships in a bottle, breeding sea lions, collecting sweatbands, knitting do-rags, reading Proust, wicker basket weaving, mastering backgammon, and blacksmithing.
2. PLAY THE FAKE NAME GAME OFTEN: It’s always fun to play the fake name game when you’re out at the bar. But don’t just stop there: the fake name game is like a gateway drug to bigger and better lies. Fake identities require fake jobs, fake hometowns, and fake family stories. Thus, if you’re ever out and you hear this kind of story, you either met someone really interesting… or you’ve been had: “Hi, nice to meet you. My name’s Botswana. Yes… like the country. My parents were actually missionaries living in Zimbabwe, and I was born near the Zimbabwe-Botswana border. Why did they name me Botswana? Well, my dad wanted to name me Zimbwana, but my mom didn’t like how that sounded, so they settled on Botswana. My friends call me Botty for short. Oh, and I’m also a cardiothoracic surgeon, just in case you were wondering.”
3. DEVELOP AN ADDICTION: This may seem like bad advice, but hear me out. Most people think that addictions are a bad thing, and most of the time, they are. No one wants to get hooked on smoking, drinking, or crystal meth. But what if you could develop an addiction for success? What if you could get addicted to happiness? I propose that we all just work our hardest to get addicted to happiness. Think about blue skies, green meadows, rainbows, balloons, and smiling, singing dwarves. I just can’t get enough of this happiness! ^_^ Isn’t life swell?!!?!
4. JOIN A FIGHT CLUB: Everyone needs an outlet for their bad days now and then. While a true-to-life fight club may not be suitable for those with weak knees, why not start a psychological fight club? Sticks and stones can break bones, but words can really kick the crap out of you. Get two people with a lot of aggression, and have them yell unintelligibly at each other in an ultimate deathmatch. It’ll be like watching The View, except more therapeutic for all participants involved.
5. TAKE A WORKCATION: If you’ve used up all your vacation days already and there are no Monday holidays in sight, then schedule yourself a workcation. Get in late, take a long coffee break, and give yourself a scenic tour of the office. Set yourself up in a conference room, take out your ukulele, and start bringing some sweet music to the workplace. If anyone asks what the hell you’re doing, just blame it on your addiction to happiness. See what they say to that.
