9:15 AM – I Hate Tim Tebow
A few co-workers are talking about Tim Tebow and his concussion. I chime in, saying that I have an irrational hatred for Tim Tebow. They ask me why. Well, it’s irrational; therefore, I can’t explain it. (I also hate Tobey Maguire, but I have no good reason for that one either.)
One of my co-workers says, “He does all of this charitable work outside of football. How can you hate the guy?” I respond facetiously, “Maybe I just hate altruistic people.” They look at me like I just punched a baby. Facetiousness doesn’t translate in the office.
I try to dig myself out of Satan’s hole by telling them that I like Angelina Jolie for her charity work. Well, they hate Angelina because she’s a homewrecker. Just can’t win.
10:00 AM – My Future
This morning, my manager asks me what my work plans are for January, after my program ends. Well, officially, I will be working on “blank stare.”
12:30 PM – You Wanna Start Somethin’?
I have lunch with a couple of friends from college. We’re talking about entrepreneurship: if other people can come up with stupidly simple ideas (eg. Snuggie, ShamWow), why can’t we? I share with them my vision of opening a restaurant that serves chicken rings and onion fingers. No one’s biting. But in case it blows up, you heard it here first.
2:24 PM – Don’t Read If Eating
While on Sametime (our company’s instant messaging system), my co-worker mentions that her new favorite word is “fecalexplosion.” I’m not sure where to take this. It reminds me of the FDA putting “anal leakage” warnings on cans of Pringles. I use the word “fecal” about six times throughout the remainder of our conversation, partly to test whether our Sametime messages are being monitored. Haven’t been flagged yet!
TOTALS: One official ticket stamped to hell, about 20 awkward pauses during my “career/life” conversation with the boss, 10+ references to bodily waste, and one billion-dollar idea that is all dependent on processing chicken to form concentric circles. It was a slow day.
You would be on Team Angelina. Bitch.