Back in the early 90s, we were introduced to the magical world of “cyberspace,” a place where you could chat with friends, check “electronic mail,” and even talk to strangers. “Going on cyberspace” was like copulating with a pack of unicorns — no one had ever done it before, so everyone wanted to know what it was like: How does it feel? How does it work? How can I get a screechy dial-up modem too?
But once cyberspace became mainstream, its better half decided that it would take on a whole new meaning. In the seedy dark corners of AOL chatrooms, “cyber” lost its innocence. With this transformation, thousands of curious 13-year olds were lured into predatory situations with creeps who wanted to “cyber”… Yes, like any rogue prefix-turned-slutty-verb, “cyber” became a term of virtual copulation.
So, forgive me for not embracing “Cyber Monday” as a new retail holiday. To me, it’s as if retailers decided to name a random day “Boom Boom Tuesday” or “Bang Me Wednesday,” then offer 30% off all items in stock. Sorry, but that doesn’t make me want to buy Ginsu knives, even if they’re 43% off on Amazon. In fact, I feel less inclined to shop on Cyber Monday, and more inclined to join shady chatroom discussions about Grady Sizemore.
I am surprised that conservative watchdog groups haven’t boycotted “Cyber Monday” yet for its underlying sexual innuendo. Perhaps they’re too busy snapping up Sarah Palin’s book on eBay… or maybe these “teabaggers” just don’t get the reference.
In the end, there are so many words in the English language that we’ve allowed to die an honorable death, like “beeswax” and “cassette tapes” and “groovy” (although this may still be used to describe Hideki Matsui’s face). Had it not been for this inane Monday, “cyber” would be with them now. I would like to call for an end to using this word (though, really, it’s a prefix), and retire “cyber” to Cyberia (apologies). Let’s just call “Cyber Monday” for what it really is: “Virtual Deals… Monday.”
