Why Do We Have to Wear Clothes?

So maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand why Americans have to wear clothes.  I think clothing is incredibly inefficient.  Every morning, I stare blankly into the mirror for at least fifteen minutes, wondering what to wear.  Whatever I choose, I still end up looking like a children’s model from a J.C. Penney catalog.  Thus, I really don’t see the point.  I could save so much time if it were socially acceptable to roll out of bed naked and head off to work.

To me, wearing clothes is like putting ornaments on a tree.  It’s pretty much unnecessary, except that some people think the tree looks better if it’s draped in glitter.  But, it’s not as if we need clothing in order to live.  Animals don’t wear clothes, and they do just fine.  If you watch Animal Planet, you’ll see that all the animals are perfectly comfortable in their own skin.  And if grizzly bears can survive in the winter without a bubble vest, I’m sure that hairy, obese people could survive too.  Maybe the rest of us would die, but hey, it’s called evolution. 

If I had to find legitimate reasons for wearing clothes, there are only three scenarios where it makes sense to me: 1) Protection.  2) Camouflage.  3) Pockets.  Protection is only necessary to cover all the open orifices of our body that are susceptible to disease — I’m definitely not sitting commando on the NYC subway.  (This is probably why Native Americans used to wear the flaps.)  Camouflage is pretty self-explanatory too, since our stalker nation would be deterred if we were easily detected when hiding out in trees.  And lastly, pockets are useful for carrying cell phones, keys, and concealed weapons – though, at the same time, fanny packs could be a suitable alternative.

I can sympathize with those who argue that clothing is a way for us to showcase our individuality.  Indeed, clothes allow businessmen to show off how much money they have, and it can serve as an outlet for teenagers to rebel by wearing black leather and chains.  Unfortunately, it’s also a means of social stratification.  Back in elementary school, all the cool kids owned a Starter jacket with light-up sneakers, No Fear t-shirts, and Adidas tear-aways.  But if you couldn’t afford these brands, it immediately signaled that you lived in a trailer and had a head full of lice.  Clothes make kids cruel.

Today, there are hundreds of cultures where clothing is a choice, not a requirement.  So, why can’t we signal our American individuality by wearing nothing at all?  Those who wish to cover up their bodies may still do so.  But those who wish to go au naturale shouldn’t be deterred.  Nakedness is more efficient and less exclusive.  We’re just taking our cues from Adam and Eve, Michelangelo’s David, and brave, pants-less Donald Duck.  

Instead of hiding from nakedness, let’s celebrate it.  And even though we may see some terrifying examples of the hairy and obese, perhaps this could inspire new programming for Animal Planet.