How Carly Fiorina Killed Lamb Chop

In 1992, Lamb Chop’s Play-Along premiered on PBS.  Despite the show’s cruelty towards naming its protagonist (it’s as if Babe was named “Bacon”), the lovable Lamb Chop soon became an iconic figure: the heir apparent to Mr. Rogers, the predecessor to Barney.  Lamb Chop taught us all about sharing, caring, and singing never-ending songs during long car rides.  Besides being a talented songstress, our favorite sock puppet also served as a moral compass for her young, impressionable, audience.

Twenty years later, our adorable little Lamb Chop has grown up… and she’s become a raging, mudslinging, neocon bitch.  In place of sweet puppeteer Shari Lewis, we have the psychotic puppeteer Carly Fiorina and her pack of demon sheep.  Instead of espousing ABCs, Fiorina’s sheep are pushing for conservative fiscal policy in the state of California.  Sing along now: A is for axing taxes, B is for balanced budgets, C is for Carly Fiorina, D is for death by Democrats…

…It’s not a message for kids.

In Carly Fiorina’s F-ed Up Campaign Ad Play-Along, she depicts an idyllic scene where we follow a pack of sheep that metaphorically represent fiscal conservatives (note to Carly: next time, try NOT to align yourself with a group of pea-brained mammals that get skinned every winter).  But alas!  In this budget-conscious pack of future sweaters, there is a wolf in sheep’s clothing: Fiorina’s Republican adversary in the upcoming primary, Tom Campbell.  According to Carly, Campbell is trying to pass as a fiscal conservative… though, in reality, he’s a tax-happy, red-eyed, demon sheep.

Thankfully, Fiorina has come up with an acronym for this disguised devil: FCINO, or “Fiscal Conservative in Name Only.” In the ad, you can watch as the Tom Campbell demon sheep brings an apocalyptic end to California.  And, in a call-out to Unsolved Mysteries, you can even “Report a Sighting” of a FCINO on Fiorina’s website.  “This is Officer Fiorina, chasing the perp down the street… Suspect is wearing tweed jacket and khaki pants, but I spotted him carrying ‘The Audacity of Hope’ with no intention of burning it.  FCINO alert!”

With this Carly Fiorina campaign ad, I can’t view sheep the same way anymore.  Gone is the legacy of Lamb Chop: gone is my perception of sheep as cute, cuddly, clone-able, and great mattress salesmen.  Now that there are demon sheep running loose, I won’t be able to sleep on my Sealy Posturepedic without fearing the wrath of a masked FCINO.  So, thank you, Carly Fiorina, for being the great destroyer… of HP, of sheep, and of dreams.