I grew up in a small town outside of Boston, not destitute-poor nor ostentatious-rich. I had a perfectly normal upbringing, fraught with wonderful childhood memories of uncontroversial activities and agreeable relatives. I made it through middle school and high school without ever getting arrested, pregnant, or high off crystal meth. And although I once slept in a parking lot, I was still nestled in the comforts of a Coleman campers tent.
My early life of relative contentment lent me an idealistic view of the world. It’s easy to be idealistic when everything has worked out, for the most part. I believe that people are inherently good, even if they can be incredibly stupid. I believe that government, when run efficiently, can do a lot of good. And I believe that in our endless pursuit of happiness, we should wholeheartedly follow careers that we love.
Of course, my idealism has always been tainted by another convincing worldview: cynicism. I’m not sure where my cynicism comes from (there is no reason for it), but it’s always been there, loud and brash. The cynic sits on my left shoulder, while the idealist sits on my right — mirroring the eternal left brain/right brain civil war battles in my head. To the cynic, my idealism is construed as naivete, as folly; to the idealist, my cynicism is just an excuse to keep accepting the status quo.
So far, the cynic has won. No, I’ve never taken a risk in my life (even our tent was placed on school grounds). I’ve taken the steady jobs, made the uncontroversial decisions, and traveled the safe routes. Along this road, I’ve been incredibly happy and lucky — I really cannot complain about anything. And yet, there has always been a nagging feeling, pulling at me from that unfulfilled idealist side, telling me that I need to follow “my passion”, as if I knew what it was. I have an idea, sure… but following your dreams? Ha! The cynic gave up on that years ago.
After a few years in the working world, I found myself listening less and less to the idealist. After all, the cynic is practical, reasoned, and easy. It’s hard to give up the easy stuff (having a job, having money) to go follow those crazy, fuzzy dreams. Idealism is for the weak-minded, the cynic says. It’s for people who don’t have any better options. It’s for people who don’t actually try anything, because once they do, they become cynics! (…or so the cynic says.) So as we get older, the idealist fades. It only preys on the young, the innocent, and the weak-brained. As learned, intelligent adults, we should know better… right?
I thought so too. But then, in December of last year, I decided that I needed to take a totally clichéd leap of faith. I went into a meeting with the CFO of my company, which was set up to talk about my budding finance career. In that meeting, I told her that while I enjoyed finance, my real passion was in writing. She argued. I tried to fight back. She argued some more. I dropped off a script that I wrote. She gave me the cynic’s trademark move: a deadly raised eyebrow. But I had already made up my mind. Though I could never persuade her otherwise, I was glad to contribute kindling for her office fireplace; I was going to become a writer.
So in May, I’m moving out to Los Angeles in my first real attempt to try and make it as a writer. What kind of writer? I’m not sure. It’s still a somewhat fuzzy dream, but with support from friends and family, it’s getting clearer. And although I’m not taking a completely crazy leap of faith (I still have a full-time job), it’s one step closer to the fuzzy end goal.
Even if it doesn’t work out, at least I’ll have saved the fading idealist in me, who had been teetering so close to the edge of the rye field. After all, I still need a left-brain counterweight to tone down that cynic.
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Great post: this is a struggle I’m also dealing with as I try to figure out what it is I’m going to do with my life. We want to give, but can we? Is it human to do so?
Maybe it’s easier just to flip the switch on our ambitions:
“When my friends and I were little, we had big plans. I would be a famous actress and singer, dancing on the side. I would paint my own sets and compose my own music, writing the script and the lyrics and reviewing the performance for The New York Times. I would marry and have three children (they don’t allow us dreams like that any more) and we would live, rich and famous (donating lots to charity, of course, and periodically adopting orphans), in a house we designed ourselves. When I was older I had visions of good works. I saw myself in South American rain forests and African deserts, feeding the hungry and healing the sick, with an obsessive selflessness, I see now, as selfish, in the end, as my original plans for stardom.
Now my goal is simpler. I want to be happy.”
Good luck in L.A.
GREAT post.. You are SO lucky to be able to go chase your dreams WITH a full time job (and one that will pay you well). I am very jealous of that, but it still must be said – Bravo to you for making that leap!
My big moment of telling them I wanted to leave finance occurred in a pub garden with a pint of Stella. So it was a lot easier
I think that this post perfectly describes a lot of our generation. We had the big ambitions. The relentless drive that we could climb those corporate ladders or do anything we wanted and do it damn well. But it feels as though a whole lot of us are reaching points in our careers where we are struggling to do what we have trained ourselves (or been trained by others?) to think we should do. A nagging feeling of resentment or confusion or just feeling completely burnt out or unmotivated is growing amongst the masses.
From my own experience (simply put), I knew I had become unhappy. But let it be said that I was once a very proud cheerleader for finance. But things change. There’s still some pride there (the kind you’d feel for your college after graduation). But now I am a WHOLE lot happier. And T – you already sound happier! Here’s hoping the happiness spreads!
Thank God…No more trips to NYC. Have fun in LA. See you in a couple years.
Go for it! Its the best decision I ever made in my life!! Whatever happens, you will be fine:)
Nice postings..I’ve been having the same discussions with myself. I currently live in LA, born and raised here..lived here all my life..all 22 years of it. I’m debating whether or not to move to NYC, and try something different, wether it be 1 or 2 years, or who knows, FOREVER. Traveled to many cities/countries for work, have a job lined up if I decide, but the more I think about it, and inch closer to moving there, my gut feeling tells me something about moving to NYC might not be the best decision. I tell myself, if it doesn’t work out, I can always come back home, stay within my company, and life goes on. Cuz if I didn’t, I’d only ask myself..”I wonder what COULD’VE been”.
I have read all three of your articles, after searching about the “Pro’s and Con’s of living in NYC vs LA”
I must applaud you for your courage and bravery! I am a native New Yorker and a few years ago I moved back here after living in South Florida for 5 years.
I have been here for 3 years now and I am also heading out west to California. I told myself after I finished writing my book based on Food in New York, I would move out to the west coast.
New York City has a definitive energy present here, that lends itself to over achievement and people basing their identities on career or money.
Where-as this energy is important for the balance of this capitalist nation, and I bless it just for what it is, I choose to connect to the energy California offers.
Thank you for writing such great articles. I enjoyed reading them! God bless you and enjoy your journey!
Amar
Thank you for the insight on the pro and cons of living and working in LA. I currently live in New York but will be moving to LA in the New Year due to my husbands job. I am also attempting to follow my dreams and just hope that LA can help them happen!